Dandelions are also unappreciated

I went to visit my fathers grave last week. surrounding the stone marker on the ground were many dandelions in bloom. they created a frame around his gravestone.. Originally, I started to pull them up, simply out of habit; then  I stopped and looked at them, and realized how beautiful and colorful they looked in the bleak cemetery.  I had read once how dandelions were the unappreciated flower of our time, and now I think I believe it. they usher in spring. they are often the first burst of colour in an endless sea of brown and green that our manicured lawns have created. they could give university seminars in the meaning of tenacity and diversity. when they became our enemy, I am not sure, but any mother will tell you she has a memory of her young toddler presenting her with the bright, cheerful blossoms, that the child finds so beautiful and the gardener considers a menace.any gardener will tell you  the battles and wars they have waged against the sturdy weed.
their leaves can be made into a nutritious salad and their roots brewed into a medicinal wine. furthermore, show me another plant that you can gently blow into the wind and make wishes come true, watching their lacy feathers dance across the summer sky. Perhaps they are a "weed", but to me, they are one more thing that is unappreciated in our world and looking at how the cheerful yellow flowers surrounded my fathers tomb as if planted intentionally, I could not help but stop myself and consider the unappreciated  hero of the plant world: the dandelion and feel a kindredship toward it.

I found several Dandelion recipes on the web at a magazine i bought
www.backhomemagazine.com

Romance is where you find it...sometimes you have to look

My husband left me socks on the couch yesterday before he went to work. Now, very few women, perhaps even men, would find this gesture romantic. but, to me, it was wonderfully romantic. why, for one thing, the socks are in the basement with the laundry and he knows that climbing the stairs is really painful for me; he saved me the steps downstairs. He put them on the couch hanging and picked out the valentine socks (red with pink hearts). here is where I see other women, time and time again, miss the romance boat. I was wearing black that day and the socks definitely did not match; not to mention the fact that it was April and long past Valentines day. However, I knew (having been together over 30 years) that Max meant that gesture with the most of romantic minds. Yet, I also know that had it been another woman (not all women mind you, but some) she would have looked at the socks, ranted about the colour, the fact that he left them on the couch and that it was not valentines day. this would have led to the man feeling like an idiot and unappreciated. it is unlikely he would have done something similar again or have been agreeable to doing something traditionally romantic. why should he? You didnt like the first gesture!
I knew I was meeting him later, so I wore the socks proudly and thanked him when I saw him for thinking of me. Romance is where you look for it.
I knew when I first started dating my husband that I would have to be forgiving in the traditional interpretations of romance. to say that he was unschooled is an understatement. He did not know about buying jewelry, flowers or writing poetry. His compliments are off-handed at best and he has become famous for some of the "foot in the mouth" things he has come up with in our long marriage. Many would  have given up long before now.
 I have another theory: I like that he is unschooled and even somewhat offensive at times, and here is why: I know that he is not out being flowery, flirty, and seductive with other women. while I realize that I am highly cynical, I still believe that if a man is suave and seductive to you then he probably knows how to be suave and seductive to everyone else. If he knows how to say the right things to women, he may be out there saying the same things over and over again.
I have often been accused of being insecure in this matter; I beg to differ. I do not believe that I am insecure, just pragmatic. early in our careers as parents of a child with special needs, we met another couple who's sons were the same age as Connor. All of the wives were Jealous of the husband in this relationship: he bought flowers for no reason, jewelry for every occasion, planned romantic dinners and great weekends. Why oh why cant ours do that, was the lament, only to find out later that he had a girlfriend on the side that he was treating the same. I know that there are exceptions to every rule, but I still believe that romance is where you find it.

Ladies, save yourself some frustration. if you want to have a romantic dinner--plan it and tell him the date. If you want flowers--ask for them. just dont expect your husband to psychically know what you want. The dinner will taste as good and the flowers will smell as sweet no matter who's idea it was. the difference is that your husband will feel appreciated for the other small things he has done and may even once in a while come up with the idea on his own.
Romance is truly where you find it; some of us just have to look a little harder for it!

Why life really is too short

"Life is too short" we hear it and say it all the time. What do we really mean and do we really mean it when we say it. In actuality, Life is exactly the length it should be; the problem is a life with regrets. People spend so much time doing things they do not want to do that the "leftovers" are too short. that is what they make their life.
I palliative care nurse, who had spent many years caring for the dying wrote the list of the top 5 things people regret.
the number one was: I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, and not do so much what others expected of me. interesting, I am a big proponent of this philosophy. Not, mind you, to the extent that you become some kind of sociopath that flaunts the rules and ethics of society; but, if there is an occasion or an event or anything else that you think you would be unhappy doing--do not do it. Your job is important, but only to the extent that it finances your ACTUAL life. work is not a life; it is only work. 6months after you are gone people will ask "linda who?"
Your extended family is very important, but only if they make you feel good. if you feel crappy Christmas, New years, birthday, Easter, thanksgiving or Sunday afternoon--don't go. Life is too short to be unhappy and feel bad about yourself.
the one thing of life that I truly  believe is too short, is the time that you have your children with you. you blink and it is gone. for a very short time they actually want to be with their parents (and believe their parents are smart) after that, while you are still a family, still love each other and are still bonded, you are adults together. the magic, the innocence, the learning and growing together, is fleeting. we all know it, we all agree that its important; yet, this is the one thing we ignore. we are busy, too busy...busy working, busy talking, busy texting, to just stop.
Is life really too short? or are we just so arrogant and full of hubris to think that we are going to be the one person who beats time and death. you wont be. stop and smell the roses, and while you are at it, stop and smell your babies hair.

 http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

There is no cure for stupid!

There was a large tornado touch down this week in the Midwest USA. Not surprisingly, since it is named tornado alley, there were also several injuries, deaths and devastated homes. The reporter noted that one problem was that there were very few homes with tornado shelters and went on to interview a survivor who said, "Our house had a tornado shelter, that is why we bought the house," as his home was a pile of rubble and bricks behind him. That is why he bought the house?????? Is that not a reason, NOT to buy a house. Here is a clue if the person selling it has a tornado shelter in the backyard, they probably have a reasonable expectation that there will be a tornado!~There is no cure for stupid.
My greatest personal introduction to this phenomenon has been as Connor's mother. People ask and say things to a disabled person or a disabled child's parent that they would never think of saying to anyone else. I learned early in my career as Connor's mother that when it comes to the disabled community, it is no holds barred with what the public feels they can say or ask.
My answers have included (but are not limited to) "no, he does not suffer from anything; he HAS cerebral palsy", No, he is not afflicted, crippled or mentally challenged; he has, cerebral palsy" "Yes, he is quite brilliant", "No, I do not believe that God only gives us what we can handle and not more than you can handle. Yes, you could do what I do. I dont know what will happen when he grows up, but then, I didnt know what would happen when Jarrett grew up." and my personal favorite, "They let them go to University???" (this was from a very sweet elderly lady at a bluegrass festival!" see..... You cannot cure stupid.
You develop quite a thick skin when you maneuver through the maze of parenting a child with a disability. I was taught early by parents of older children that you would never "get away with" with the things you can with an able bodied child. Strangers on the street have no problem telling you if your child in the wheelchair has a runny nose, dirty shirt or messy hair. Relatives will let you know if they think that you are over reacting, under reacting or simply not pulling your family weight. (one of our step parents told me that I should just stop mentioning that Connor had a disability, that he was a lovely child and that his cerebral palsy was  "no big deal"--this became our chuckle for the rest of our stresses).
My greatest lesson in the "lack of social filters" came when Connor was in Grade 12. I worked permanent nights, so my husband was responsible for Connor's breakfast and sending him on the bus to school. That morning they had decided to have Lasagna for breakfast. When I woke up from night shift to meet the afternoon bus, there was a phone message waiting for me from the head of the special education department, saying that Connor had been sent to school with particularly "bad breath" and that they felt he had not been cared for properly by his father in the morning. She went on to say that Connor had indicated that he did not feel comfortable telling his dad in the morning to brush his teeth more, covertly implying that we may be abusing Connor.
My response was swift and harsh. I put together a oral hygiene kit, complete with brush, toothpaste, floss and mouthwash and a scathing letter. I also visited the errant supervisor to let her know that if Connor had been an able bodied   child, this conversation would never have occurred. I knew that because Jarrett had gone to the same school for 4 years and not once had I heard about "bad breath."(and  believe me, he had it!)
Although these rhetorics have left me somewhat bitter, they have also left me more tolerant and more knowledgeable, so for that I am grateful. However, I still wish that there was a cure for stupid; it would really make it easier for everyone.

I have added this link to a video and friend showed me that truly expresses what I am talking about.
for the record, all of the things in this video have been said to Connor at one time or another
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNoVSusaAVE&feature=share

Orphaned

Yesterday, I became an orphan. My father passed away 12 years ago from cancer. at that time his passing, although he was in hospital for 3 weeks, seemed sudden and unexpected. He never made any secret of the fact that he was terrified of dying and especially of dying young. However, he was gone at age 63. there was a hole in my heart, that to this day has never completely healed. to say he was my hero, would not be grand enough. There were times, growing up, when I believed he was the only human being on planet earth that "got me." and that did not change until I met my husband.
My sister and others had a very different opinion of my father: tyrant, bully and perhaps worse have been used to describe him. but to me, he was always "Daddy."
My mother passed away yesterday from the lingering ravages of dementia, chronic pain and diabetes. My relationship with her could not have been any different from that of my father if I had planned it that way. Everyone, and I mean Everyone (including my husband) adored my mother. She appeared to be fun, gregarious and loving. Yet, our relationship was strained. From me, her oldest, she wanted more, and it seemed no matter how much time, love or attention that I devoted to her, my best was never good enough. In my mind, she was never happy, never contented with what she had or where she was and her only way of staying superior to me was to belittle, tease and insult me whenever possible, including as many relatives in the "fun" as possible. Unfortunately, I was never one to let any slight or insult pass; therefore, the altercations between us were too many to list.
 There came a point in our lives where she told me that she no longer wanted or needed me in her life, and though she had thrown me out of her life many times before, this time I had the strength to hold her to it. Sadly, I never have been happier or more contented in my lifetime than in the 2 years since I became free of her toxicity. Still, her passing leaves an emptiness; a mountain of "what ifs" and unanswered dreams. She was committed to a nursing home for the last 10 months of her life and this had been her greatest fear: to die alone in a nursing home.
I have been asked, on more than one occasion, if I would be okay with her passing and me not seeing her. it seemed that everyone but me, was uncomfortable with my decision than I was, most especially my sister.
I have to say that I am okay with her passing. to me she died a long time ago. My sister could not conscience or condone my choice. She felt that she could not understand it and could not respect it, so she chose to severe ties with myself and my family and since I was not present to defend myself, in this process, I lost all of my family: aunts, uncles, cousins as well.
The story has a happy ending. Family does not necessarily mean the people you were born related to. My friends, work colleagues, and in-laws have stepped up to fill the void, so much so, that I literally feel the love surrounding me. My husband, who is indeed my best friend, is a rock of support and my children have never deserted or questioned my choices.
In the biological sense of the word, I am now an orphan. Yet, I have never in my life felt so much love, support and companionship that has been extended to me in the last 24 hours, I know that I will not face the world alone. but I will have a troupe of "Moms" backing me up. That makes everything worthwhile.

Beagles and Bluegrass

My father was a hillbilly. Many would argue that I am wrong about this since, he was born and raised in downtown Toronto Ontario; but I believe that he was a hillbilly nonetheless. He stood 6' 2" tall and my whole life the only footwear I ever saw him in was cowboy boots. His music was Bluegrass. Anyone can tell you that Bluegrass is an acquired taste at best; something you take in small doses; but there was nothing small about my father. So, like his stature and his booming voice, his music was overwhelming. This should be enough to prove that, although he never lived anywhere but southern Ontario, he was indeed a hillbilly. However, the thing that most convinced me was his choice of dogs--hounds--beagles to be specific.
It is difficult to explain to a non-beagle lover, why you love them. But, those of us who chose the challenge of owning a beagle. They are loyal and loving; true pack animals, they live to be part of a family. If you have food and a warm hug, they are yours. They can also jump a 4 foot fence and chase a rabbit until they drop. Still if you walk around a bluegrass campout, you will see that beagles are the dog of choice: they are friendly, they rarely bite humans and they know how to sing. Beagles and Bluegrass players accept everything and everybody.
We had our first confirmation of this theory when our youngest son, Connor was five. With his newly acquired electric wheelchair, we set out for a bluegrass reunion, joining my father and his friends in a camp out. Previously, I had always felt trepidation when meeting new people in different places and them meeting Connor for the first time. The looks, staring, and sympathetic head tilts were at times, too much to bear.The large wheelchair seemed to make him even more segregated; or so I thought.
From the moment we arrived, I realized why beagles were the bluegrass dogs of choice. Like my beloved hounds, these amazing people instantly accepted our child. More than that, they treated him like a child--not like a child in a wheelchair. For the first time in five years, we felt normal and Connor could be "normal", with the freedom to run and be himself.
It was overwhelming how mischievous and rambunctious Connor became with this freedom.
Frequently, trying to scare our camping partners, he would drive up to the their trailers, make ghost noises and drive away giggling. Me, I had no worries. there was an entire pack of campers--all grandparents in their own right--watching out for him. At that moment, I knew I  had chosen the right hound pack. Here, he could accomplish anything.
I always knew that when Charles Schultz drew Snoopy, he had a real beagle. Having owned 2 and now a coonhound as well, I have seen them be vultures on the dog house, spin their dog food dish for food and fight the "Red Barons."

As well, after camping at many bluegrass festivals with Connor, I came to know why the music, campers and hounds belong together: they love everyone. I also came to realize that you can have anything you want or need, even if it is simply to feel "normal" with beagles and bluegrass and with the help of my hillbilly father, for one glorious weekend in October, I was a happy mother and my child was not disabled, just a playful five year old. Never underestimate the power of music, love or the abilities of beagles.

"If you chose someone, they are the one! Stop Looking around

the above statement was part of a profound sermon given a church one Sunday. Although the pastor chose to include the contentious passages of Paul discussing wives submitting to their husbands, the above sentence resonated with me.
I had always believed there was a certain code of behavior and dress, that came with being a wife or husband and that our society had lost sight of that. Not that I ever believed that I should cover my hair or adopt high collars; however, I did believe that since we had taken an effort to get to know one another, spend thousands of dollars on a wedding, and promised in front of everyone important to us, to:  "Keep myself only onto him"that I should at least make an effort to achieve just that.
if the person that you committed to is the one that you want, why keep looking. Why flirt with the co-workers? flirt with your partner! Don't only dress sexy when going out with the girls, dress that way for each other. Stop "dirty dancing" with friends and neighbors, do it with your partner and do it often! IF you chose them, if you promised them, if you have made children together, they are the one; stop looking around. If you think they may not be, find out before your are married or at least before you create and destroy other lives. Get to know each other first and then keep knowing each other. They are the "one".

When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM...Maya Angelou

Oprah Winfrey talks about "light bulb moments" and what she knows for sure. One of these moments came while I was watching her television show. Her mentor and Poet Laureate, Maya Angelou, was talking bout her personal truths.One was "when someone shows you who they are, believe them!" so simple and so true. How much frustration and heartache could be avoided if this philosophy was adopted by all of humanity. If someone lies to you on a regular basis, they are a liar. Do not try to convince yourself otherwise. IF your husband leaves you and your children for another woman, do not be surprised that he is no longer interested in your children: he never was, otherwise he would not have left! I find it frustrating having conversations about this with people. You can point out that the person has shown you who they are over and over again and the inevitable naive answer is; "Yeah, but......." followed by numerous justifications as to why you  should be drawn in again. NO yeah but, Believe them!!! If you do not, it is your fault, not theirs if things turn out the same again. The "Yeah but," is nothing but a fantasy. Einstein alluded to this philosophy when he noted (again it is one of my favorite observations) that  the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. A woman who's husband left his wife and children for her, should not be surprised if he is unfaithful to her. after all, did he not just show you that he was an adulterer! if someone lies to you, over and over again, the statistics show that they are most likely lying again. Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behavior. I so endorse this philosophy, that I tell it to virtually everyone who I meet. So much so that now, my husband quotes it to me anytime that I fall into the trap of putting trust into those that I should not; and although, I am frequently referred to as somewhat crazy, this is one are in which I will pass on the insanity!
So the next time someone shows you who they are, believe them. Sanity is a much better way to live.

The "second wife" syndrome

I am a first wife; I am also a second wife. I hated my first wedding so much (that is a whole other blog about interfering parents!)  that I promised myself and warned my husband that on our 25th wedding anniversary we would have another wedding! We renewed our vows in the Smokey Mountains in the top of a turrett, overlooking the beautiful scenery, with no one there to interfere with our joy.
As a first wife, I try to make observations about how couples interact; also because I like being a student of human nature and I am easily bored! It became apparent to me that there were similar themes in marriages. the most prominent one was that men are much more tolerant of habits and behaviours in their second wives that they never would have dreamed of "putting up with" in their first spouses. the nagging and chirping away that first wives have become known for, is not only tolerated in second wives but sometimes, actually encouraged.
it is as if the husbands decided "I cannot fail at this again!" (and we know how competitive men are) So they will do anything to keep that second marriage together. the rationale for this logic, when asked is almost always the same: "His first wife was a BITCH!".....Was she really???.... or, did she simply demand the care, consideration, the maturity and devotion, that the second wife assumes as her rights.
This second wife syndrome applies whether the woman was married before or not. While I am sure that there are always exceptions to this somewhere, there seems to be a vast majority of people who fit into this profile. So much so that I have been able to discern whether a woman is a man's first or second wife simply by how he behaves toward her.
as a successful "first wife" I let me tell you that if a man brings his wife a coffee to her workplace for no reason, I will show you a second wife.
the first wives aren't all bitches; they just wish that they had been treated as well as the second wife!

Plan a marriage; not a wedding

Weddings are a billion dollar business. a favorite author of mine, Erma Bombeck, once wrote "the length of a marriage is inversely proportionate to cost of the wedding" I have been to fairytale weddings: perfect flowers, cake, church and music, all to see the marriages time and time again end in divorce. Very little planning went into my wedding. Ironically, even though I was the bride, I spent very few waking minutes dreaming about my wedding day. my needs were simple: red roses, roast beef dinner, lots of pictures and lots of dancing. I have little advice to give to my children about how to plan a wedding. why? because I had no interest in the wedding. However, I spent a great deal of time planning my marriage! It came as no surprise to my husband that I was not going to be a stay at home mom; I told him that very early on in our relationship. we discussed childrearing, discipline, money spending habits, past times and hobbies, long before we ever thought about our wedding. In fact, we agreed more about the marriage then we did about the wedding. Surprisingly, he was the one who had the grand ideas about the wedding.
Obviously, any event on the scale of a wedding requires planning.Only consider planning your marriage first. you may find out things you never knew and save yourself a lot of conflict and pain in the end.

Stand in the light of your own truth

I was bullied as a child. Not surprisingly, for I was very different: oddly dressed and much smaller than the other children, I never fit in with the "pretty girls" or the jocks. Even at a very young age, I knew I wasn't like the rest; however, nor did I care. Being raised in the pop psychology era of the 1970's, I took the phrase "love yourself first" a little too close to the heart. My mantra became, "I stand in the light of my own truth." so much so, that when I became a mother, my children quickly became tired of me saying it to them. the best explanation of this ideology was revealed to me when a friend gave me Robert Fulghum's book "All I ever really needed to know, I learned in kindergarten." In his compilation, he writes a story of when he was left in charge of a group of children. he decides to play a game of Giants, wizards and dwarfs. the children had to decide immediately, which group they fit into; which they were: a giant, a wizard or a dwarf. As they divided, one young girl asked "Where do the Mermaids stand?" As Fulgham describes it, "she did not relate to being a giant, wizard, or dwarf; she knew her category: Mermaid, and she was not about to leave the game and stand where a loser would stand....without giving up dignity or identity." she stood in the light of her own truth. that story spoke to me because I was that mermaid. No, I wasn't the pretty one, or the graceful one or the the atheletic one. but I was me, and I was happy with that. this philosophy saw me through many of the times of raising our son Connor.Few things can isolate you as well as having a child with a disability.
you raise them under a microscope with people judging you and your every move. There are prescribed therapies, care plans and rules to follow. WE followed very few. He was our son and we were proud of him. yes, the world would look at him very differently, but hadn't the world been looking at me differently  my whole life? I am proud to say that although he rolls his eyes whenever I say it; he too stands i the light of his own truth. he has never questioned whether he could do something or not, just how to make it possible!
as we moved him into his university residence room, 5 hours away from home, he shooed us away so that he could go out with the other first year students, I knew that I had just launched another mermaid.

what I am talking about

Author Jean Mast:

TIPS FOR A WORN-OUT MOM
1. Lower your standards for cleanliness and order.
2. Did that? Lower them even more.
3. Your house will never look like a magazine spread, period. Embrace that.
4. No matter how many baskets you buy to contain toys, they will always be visible. Embrace the Toys ‘R Us/ frat house-chic decor.
5. You can never have too many Popsicle in the freezer. How many bad moods have been fixed by a simple Popsicle?
6. If you can’t change them, change your perspective. For example I read recently – probably on Satan’s website Pinterest – that toothpaste is great for cleaning things like faucets. So now when I go into the bathroom every day and see toothpaste splatter all over the bathroom faucet I think about how my children have done half the chore of cleaning for me. How considerate of them! Then I wipe it off while cursing.
7. Those chores that no one ever wants to do. Decide if you would rather do it yourself, badger your child to it, or let it go. If you are confused about what to do, see Number 1 on this list.
8. No one cares what is stuffed under your child’s bed, why should you. Unless it is old food. In that case, you should get a dog.
9. If you have boys, your bathroom will always faintly stink like pee. Invest in some Febreeze and count down the days until they move out and you can go visit them and pee on their bathroom floor.
10. Don’t buy white furniture. Unless you enjoy screaming at your children every time they go near it.
11. However bad a situation might seem, one day it will be funny. I have a few for which I am eagerly awaiting for the funny to kick in. Any time now….
12. When your child is a young teen there will be nothing more embarrassing than your very existence. Use this to your advantage. Start planning early.
13. Do not paint any walls in your house with flat paint.
14. Be okay with letting your kids stumble sometimes. Whether that is turning in an assignment late because they didn’t do it or wearing an outfit so hideous you have trouble looking at them without laughing.
15. Noise cancelling headphones are great for blocking out whining, bickering and the endless episodes of Sponge Bob.
16. Socks do not have to match. Every day is Crazy Sock Day at my house, which is infinitely better than Crazy Mom Day.
17. The crayons will break and it is okay to throw them away rather then save them to make some sort of craft that involves the hair dryer. In fact, I give you permission to not feel guilty about all the crafts you know you will never do.
18. Your children will not die from eating the occasional hot dog or frozen pizza. And by occasional I mean more than you are really willing to admit.
19. If your children are driving you crazy arguing with each other, start an argument with them. Then your children will bond over their mutual hatred of you and be quiet.
20. Children do not appreciate top sheets or high thread counts. Buy neither.
21. Homework time is the worst time of the day. Help your kids and yourself by having a designated time and a quiet place to do homework. Preferably in a neighbor’s home.
22. Just say No to ironing.
23. Last, but not least, some chocolate and some really bad TV makes everything seem a little better.

parents dont sweat anything that grows back, washes off or cleans up

my mother in law was kind enough to take in our oldest son when he went to college. Unfortunately, she did not take into account our extremely different parenting styles, coming into the mix and being a source of conflict. She was quite insistent that our son clean up the room he occupied; the problem was that we had never made him clean up his room! Not once! The reason was that, like so many other philosophies, I had taken the mantra of "don't sweat the small stuff" to heart.I did not care if his bedroom was clean and tidy; after all, neither was ours! there were so many other things to worry about as the parents of teenagers that a tidy room seemed like small potatoes.the raging emotions and hormones of puberty provide more than enough conflicts in life. there were plenty more important things to argue about. I was concerned about whether or not Jarrett would want to talk to us after puberty; not whether or not his laundry made it into the hamper. after all, if he did not have clean clothes, that was his problem not mine.
ALthough, Jarrett does keep his room tidier for his grandmother, he still leaves a trail of clothes at home, and he likes to spend time with his parents, something that I believe is rare in todays world.
Parents, don't sweat the small stuff; look at the bigger picture.

You either make the right decision or make the decision right

When I first heard this quote, it was from Dr. Phil Mcgraw on his television show. he was employing it in marital counselling and he interjected the word "sometimes" into it. However, it seems that it is good advice for life as well. sometimes, you make the right decision : in marriage, in family, finances, life in general. Sometimes you have to use whatever choice you have made and turn it into what you really want. this wisdom seems to have been lost in the disposable society we live in. Families, children, marriages, all seem to be thrown out like broken toys when the "fun" is gone. there are always the "what if's" that are used to justify throwing away a family as well. "What if she/he is not my soulmate; what if she/he was unfaithful; what if I just don't love them any more?" sometimes the answer is "so what!" No one promised that any of those things are guaranteed. the most important thing is to look inside first. what makes anyone think that being with another person will make a difference? thats just insane! Indeed, Einstein wrote that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Yet, over and over again, men and women leave the family they have committed to and look elsewhere. It would be a rare thing to get something perfect on your first try. in other venues of life we practice until we make it right. why dont we practice marriage and family relationships to make them right? Families are not disposable and once thrown out,they cannot be fully repaired. I am by no means suggesting that anyone, male or female, should stay in any relationship that is abusive; however, I am suggesting that the level of excitement or boredom in any relationship is subjective and changeable. Being married, means falling in love over and over again and hopefully with the same person. (mignon Mclauglin)
An ancient Chinese proverb became popular as the divorce rate increased in the 1970's :" if you love something set it free; if it comes back it was yours, if it doesn't it never was." My mother pounded this into me as an effort to overcome what she saw as my tendencies of being jealous and clinging to my then boyfriend and future husband. I frequently argued the logic of this position: if you love something or someone, hold onto it with all of your might. tell them with words, actions and deeds every day how much you love them. make sure they KNOW how bereft you would be without them and fight away any and all interlopers on your relationship whether they profess to be friendly or hostile.
too often women,especially, assume that since they are married to an adult male their responsiblity for keeping the marriage alive has ended. it has not. ask anyone who's marriage has lasted happily past 25 years how they did it and the answer will be that they nurtured and protected the marriage like any loved one. I will admit that there were many time in my own marriage that poverty was what kept us together, and for that I am grateful. my husband truly is my best friend and my one man cheering section. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like if I had followed the inane pop culture advice and set him free. I have clung onto him through good times and bad, rich and poverty, sickness and health. just as we promised at the front of the church.
despite challenges of money , job, relatives and raising our 2 sons, one of which is disabled, we leaned on each other, to become what he likes to refer to as
"a couple of clingons" we might not have made the right decisions, but we made the decisions right!

nobody died from dustbunnies

I am frequently shocked by the number of people who still think that the measure of their worth is gauged by the cleanliness of their home. when we are dead few people of note will comment on how clean our houses were but many will comment on how we loved. our children rarely notice if there are dust bunnies in the corners,but always notice if we were paying attention to what they said. As the old poem goes:
"cleaning and scrubbing will wait for tomorrow, because babies grow up as we have learned to our sorrow. So settled down cobwebs and dust go to sleep. I am rocking my baby, and babies don't keep."
children come to us with a built in expiration date: they grow up!
Unless you want your children to be singing "cats in the cradle" when they are grown, embrace the dust bunnies; nobody died from them. however, many have died alone from a broken heart.

It seems to be catching on this is a recent post on facebook!

I started this blog after trying to write a book with all the silly and frequently wise thoughts that run through our heads. I felt that they should be written down some where and being of the generation that I am, thought that a book would be a good medium to get some messages out there. however, with the increase use of the internet, facebook, google, kobo and kindle readers, it occurs to me that perhaps a blog would be a better messenger. realistically, at least this way, it doesnt cost me anything! so here goes : an internet unsavy, arthritic woman with silly things to say that may or may not make any sense.
I will be interested to see if any one is listening!