First of all, your mates family is him and he is them. Ask anyone who has been married a length of time and they will tell you that about 10 years into the marriage/relationship they started to notice that all the little things that bothered them about their spouse is also present in his close relatives; in my house we call these "Steelisms" (to be fair when I am annoying my husband he calls me Jim after my father; he is never foolish enough to use my mothers name, that would be fatal!)
While many people marry quick or spend little time with their in-laws and plead ignorance to this phenomenon, I have no such defence. Max and I dated for 6 years. when we first started dating, his sisters were 12 and 15. I have essentially watched them grow up, which is both a good and bad thing. I attended family birthdays, holidays, weddings and even funerals before we were married. I knowingly chose this family. But, something happened that I did not plan for: we grew up. we became adults and life happened. To say that our family has had its share of trials would be an understatement: 4 divorces, the deaths of both of my parents, a child with a disability and what can only be described as my father in laws descent into abject immorality and decay. (but this is a whole other book to describe properly. Suffice it to say that my father in law is an acquired taste at the best of times.)
I can honestly say that if I had designed my mother in law, she could not have been any better. I have told her this on many occasions. Never, not once, in 29 years of marriage, has she ever interfered. Being the mother of boys, I complimented her on how good she was int he mother in law role, since I had been given a small taste of it when Jarrett started dating. She simply smiled and said, "It is not always easy." (she is a woman of few words!) I did not deeply consider her response at the time but came to realise later how hard it would be to keep MY mouth shut , if one of my sons marries someone like me! After all, my husbands family, for the most part, is somewhat subdued. Arguing, at least openly, is severely frowned upon (in my family, my mother called them "lively discussions!) and I know that I am kind of known for being loud, abrasive and at times, a little bit cocky. I am sure this causes a few tongue biting moments at dinner tables; although, I have also seen a few secret smiles and hidden giggles at my antics, as if my mother in law had wanted to do the same thing!
yep, as mother in laws go, I have a gem and I would definitely pick her again. I suppose that the relationships that I have struggled with the most over the years would be the sibling ones; both my own sister and Max's.
Ironically, one of the things that appealed to me most when we were first dating, was how close he and his siblings were. Unfortunately, I never had the same with my biological sister. nor, did I have a brother. so as we all grew into adults, the relationships evolved. Sometimes, not always for the best; but, not always horrible either.
If I had any complaint, I think most people would find it a surprising one: it is that I am not considered truly "one of them." That they do not consider me " real family." instead, I am some kind of pseudo-family type person that has attached itself to their brother.
I actually chose this family and one of the reasons I chose it was for the sibling relationships (and of course my husband!) I truly consider my in laws as my family. I wanted new sisters for I was never fond of the one my mother and father provided for me. Unfortunately, they did not choose me! Through no fault of their own, they had a very different and unusual individual, far from what they were used to dealing with, joining their family. I am sure that I am very different from what they envisioned their big brother would eventually marry.
So, although I chose them and consider them exactly the same as my biological sister and have watched them grow and us all mature into adults, the feelings of acceptance and belonging are not necessarily reciprocated. If one was honest, why should they be? Just like a biological family, this is a group of different and sometimes diametrically opposed individuals who are thrust together not through choice or commonality, but by marriage and procreation.
Max's family is an energetic, physically competitive, group of individuals. Even the children, share their lifestyle vision, and while Jarrett definitely embodies this vision Connor cannot and I don't want to. We are the cerebral, thinkers and philosophers of the the group.
As a result, even though this is my chosen family, the one that I enveloped as my own, I still do not fit in, the same way I did not fit into my biological family, and more often than not, I am sitting on the sidelines with Connor, (which is not always the worst place to be!).
However, the sidelines is not where you get to know people and as the years have gone by, the in law relationships that I chose because I wanted to have siblings to be close to and to be accepted by, have drifted apart.
So after 35 years of being with the same man, I can honestly say, for the most part, I would do it again. But, I would do it differently. Instead of going into my marriage with the expectation of being accepted and integrated by all as "one of us," I would know from the beginning that while in laws are a form of family that embodies the same expression: "you can chose your friends; not your family", in laws, unlike the biological family, have no obligation whatsoever, to put up and shut up. Nor, should they. Because, while you may have chosen your spouse and as a result them, they did not chose you.
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