The big LIE: find your soulmate! instead find the laughter :)

the other day, Connor was lamenting relationships and how hard it is to find someone. He asked me if I believe in soul mates the way so many of his compatriots do. I do not believe in finding your soul mate. In fact, I am doubtful that such a thing even exists! and even if it did, what are the odds that you would be able to find the one person that your soul matches to. it is a statistical nightmare. I think that the "finding of a soul mate" has been one of the most detrimental things that the media has perpetrated on our society in the last 100 years. our grandparents did not wander about finding the one person that made their heart flutter. in many cases (especially, in my family) it was simply the first person you had sex with and if you were unlucky the person that you got pregnant with. yet, they had a lower divorce rate and statistically, rated their lives as happier.
Obviously, I did not advise my children to marry or stay with the first person that they had sex with! in both their cases it would have been disastrous! nor do we belong to a culture that arranges marriages. (although, there are time when I wish we were!)
in the case of choosing a mate, I actually took my mothers advice. those of you who were aware of my relationship with my mother would be surprised by this revelation. after all, the governing factor over most of my important decisions in my life is to ask myself "what would Elsie do?" and then do the exact opposite!
however, in this case it made more sense than anything else I had heard.
She told me to marry the one that made me laugh. She had always considered me a serious and solemn person (I never had the heart to tell her that she was the one that made me solemn), so it was her feeling that I needed more laughter in my life. so,  as you might have already guessed, the one who made me laugh the most, was Max. In fact, I think that it was the first time that I had shared an extraordinary amount of laughter with anyone in my life.

When we were first dating, a very sappy love story movie came out with the song "you light up my life". as silly as it sounds, that is what Max did---He lit me up. the man goes to extraordinary lengths to make people laugh. he is a consummate practical joker, and the extent of what he will go through to bring about a joke is mind boggling. when his best friend was getting married, he wanted to get him a "special" present". Max had always told this particular joke" a dog walks into a bar with a bandage on his paw and carrying guns. the bartender intrigued asks the dog what is he doing there. to which, the dog answers-- I have come for the man who shot my paw!" Max's friend Jerry, got him to tell that joke and giggled over it every time. So, for Jerry's wedding gift he had me dress up and photograph our dog, Phoebe. (who did not share Max's sense of humor) He blew the picture up, put the caption on it, framed it and wrapped it. (I called the bride in advance to apologize and sent a proper gift!)
needless to say the picture was a hit. it was this kind of sweet laughter that made me fall in love with Max. however, it would be a lie to say that the last 35 years have been all laughter; there have been more than enough tears to fill up a pool; but, with that said, there has also been enough laughter to wash them away.
looking back, I suppose it is why Connor is such an optimist and Jarrett thinks we are "ridiculous." When a devastation such as being told that your child will never walk occurs in your life, there will be more than enough tears and sorrow. if you dwell on that, your partner and you will never get anywhere. but, if you can find some humour, somewhere, anywhere, the road together is much less bumpy. there were many times and events where it would have been so much easier to puddle, frozen with grief, but what kind of message would that have sent to our children. That we were sad about our family, about our son.
Some people have told us that we are "inspirational" how we have stayed positive. Me, I see it as a survival technique. after all, how could Connor be accepted by the rest of the world if his own parents couldn't be cheerful. I will admit that sometimes our humor would be considered off-colour at best and down right inappropriate at the worst. but, it was what got us through everything and as long as we didn't offend each other, that was all that mattered. I am sure at sometimes, some people would have thought we were insane, where actually, our joking and teasing were what were keeping us sane!
So when Connor, or anyone else asks me about who they should marry, I answer with another question" Do they make you laugh." you will spend enough of your life crying, you better find someone who keeps your laughing. Forget the soul mate, look for laughter.