Passive Aggressivia-Not a fan!

I have rarely been accused of being passive aggressive. In fact, I would venture to say that when others describe me, they skip the passive and jump right to aggressive. I have been described as "blunt, painfully honest, abrupt, direct, candid, forthright and frank. one friend has even nick named me bam-bam.I am not sure if that is from eating ribs while wearing my hair in a pony tail on the top of my head or because she believes that I hit people over the head with ideas; either way, I am rarely thought of as passive.
some of this stems from childhood. both of my parents, particularly my mother, could have given lessons in passive aggressive. a personal favourite passivia trick of hers was to leave clothes on the stairs and expect one of use to psychically know to take the clothes up the stairs without being told too. me, I just would order someone to take it up or better, take it up myself!
while the bluntness has definitely been a handicap in many situations, when dealing with issues as a parent, it has been invaluable. Therapists, doctors, teachers and assistants do not speak passive aggressive. they do not even speak assertive, only aggressive. Never has the adage, "the squeaky wheel gets the oil" been more true, than when you are describing raising a child with special needs successfully! if you try to deal with professionals by being passive aggressive, your child will receive the bare minimum of services. if you do not tell the school system exactly what is needed to deal with and interact with your child, your child will be lost in the cracks. Believe me when I tell you that if people are willing to complain about your child's breath or tell you that 2 hours a week is too much personal service, they will not understand the messages that you imply! you must be honest, forthright, blunt and sometimes even bam-bam! so, raising Connor did not damper my bluntness whatsoever. In fact aspects of his personality actually amplified them. being gifted meant that he was always looking for an explanation and a round about explanation was not going to cut it. Connor once asked what the brain looked like. I foolishly drew a picture of a brain, thinking that would satisfy him. It did not; he required a diagram labelled from one of my nursing textbooks. I knew then that hinting at what I wanted or discussing things in a round about matter would never be enough to satisfy his insatiable need for information.
Unfortunately, some people cannot be cured of passive aggressivia, not matter how blunt or honest you are. I used to say that open, honest communication only worked on the people who took the course. I would outright tell people why it was difficult to participate in some events with our son. houses with stairs, parks with no ramps, hotels with no elevators and more were dismissed with a wave of the hand and a "oh well"
leaving us to deal with the unfortunate realities that would inevitably come from someone failing to be honest enough to admit that the event, occasion or situation was "wheelchair unfriendly."
I have however, noticed that people that do speak fluent "passive aggressive" lead what seems to be a happier and more successful life! after all, they do not get in trouble as being mean or disruptive; nor, do people describe them as "intimidating." but try as I might I cannot  master the art of getting what I want in any other way besides pointing to it and saying "I want that."

However, although I have never learned to speak "passive aggressive" I understand it fluently! and on occasion have been able to translate it for others. In the end it comes down to what can you live with. for some, the only way that they can be comfortable with themselves is by hiding behind the fact that they never actually "said anything." for me it is knowing that although I may be loud, blunt and brutally honest, no one can ever accuse me of not saying what I mean or meaning what I say. So although if I had to be a Flintstones character, I probably would have chosen Wilma, for now, I am proud to be bam bam and living in the real  world not the one with the queen of Passive Aggressivia!

Winter~friend and enemy

the last big snowfall (so far) this season, happened while I was working nights. personally, I hate winter. I consider it cold, bleak and colourless. even though, it is technically, the same length as the other seasons,and sometimes, even the shortest, depending on the year, I still hate it. the frosty darkness, seems endless and constantly depressing. Conversely, Max loves it. I will never understand why. I am sure that it has something to do with all the sports stuff, but it does nothing for me. I even tried embracing winter when I was younger, but taking up downhill skiing at age 21. stupid really, but at least I tried. however, arthritis, child-rearing and having a child in a wheelchair, cemented  my hatred of winter. few things have dissuaded me from this stance. even having a winter birthday, made me hate it more. after all, who wants to celebrate a birthday on the last day of the year when you are still recovering from Christmas (what a rip off!)
Yet, this snowfall was different. coming at the end of February, it was a heavier snow; sticky and wet, it clung to every branch and surface. The storm brought in a bracing wind that spread the white stuff everywhere. since the roads had been frequently salted and sanded, this was a fresh cover that beckoned one to play in it. that was until you felt the wind rip through you! even though, it still was a fairy land sight to enter into as we left from night shift. since I was driving against the traffic flow, it was an easy ride home with little stress caused by unsure drivers. all along the way, the trees seemed to be garnished in wedding lace. as a southern Ontario native, you become accustomed to the changes in the seasons, even the changes in the kinds of snow you can expect. any long time resident will tell you that there is a vast difference between a December snow storm and a February one at the end of winter. Still, this one was special. after all, it would have to be to get a winter hater like me to pay attention. All of the trees had a coating of snow on every branch; as if, a snow machine had carefully sprayed each and every one of them. Since we have lived in our house for 25 years now, we actually have mature trees. furthermore, our yard becomes quite thin near the end and with the heaviness of the added weight the snow-ladened branches came together to form an archway. it could have been the exhaustion from night shift, but as I stared at the branches and the picture they made, I almost believed that I had found the doorway to Narnia with the Snow Queen on the other side.

the air was so clean and fresh, yet colourless as if it was a black and white photo. Usually, I thought of the colourlessness as bleak but today it seemed like a new beginning. none of the worminess of the spring showers that would be coming later.
I found out later that Ottawa did not do as well as Southern Ontario with this storm and Connor underestimated the power of winter, giving him enough trials and tribulations to write his own story of winter and its power. I was grateful as I enjoyed this day that I was unaware of his struggles; because for this day, at least, I enjoyed winter and anticipated the coming of spring.

The Most Annoying: "Yeah, But..." aka now I am going to tell you what I really think

For some reason, people often ask my advice. I would like to think that it is because I exude an aura of sensibility and intelligence; but, I have a feeling that it might be because I am always shooting my mouth off. nevertheless, it is others who come to me for the opinion, which I am usually happy to give. whether it be, advice, critiques or anything along that line, I am not known for being shy about sharing. however, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, will set me into a red flag rage as much as the phrase "yeah but" followed by all the reasons that I may or may not be wrong about what I just shared.
Why in the world, would 2 words set a person off so much. well, for starters, it doesn't take much to set me off, as many of my family and friends will tell you. but mostly, it is because I did not seek out the person to give them my advice; they sought out me. ostensibly, because they thought that I might have some expertise in the area that they needed advice in. indeed, I even could be an expert in some. still, the yeah buts are always on the tip of peoples tongues.
my question is this: "Why do people ask advice then argue with it. If you are asking for an expert opinion, realise that you asked the expert. They are the expert not you. Just make sure that you ask the right expert. Don’t shop around until you get the answer that you want. It is insulting and annoying." yet that is exactly what they are doing.
Connor has also frequently run into this dilemma and shared the experiences with me. sometimes it is to do with managing his disability; sometime just with life in general. it seems that everyone thinks that they know better.
I believe that part of this phenomenon is because, as a society, we have become lazy. we do not want to know that to achieve the results that we want, we may have to work harder than we ever have before. we do not want to know that in order to achieve a goal that is worthwhile, we may have to sacrifice other things including our time, or our luxuries. we want to believe the drivel that is spoon fed to us on television: that you can have anything that you want, instantly.
wake up call here people: you cannot, despite Bill Gates vision of our universe, there are still things that take time and effort.
I first realised this dilemma when my kids started getting older and people would ask for parenting advice. I am known for the ideology that "Nintendo makes your brain melt" and other oddities, yet others would keep looking for the easy fix. I recall one conversation, where myself and another mother, who's children were about 9 years younger than mine, kept looking for that easy way; the way to be friends with your kids and still have them respect you. no matter what I said, I was met with Yeah but. I simply gave up and said we could revisit it when our children were adults to see which ones had succeeded the most and were still loving towards their parents. (she has yet to take me up on it!)
For the most part I am quite forgiving of the yeah buts; i get it: you want to explore all the options. but after answering 2 or 3 on the same question, it wears a person down. So I propose a compromise. if you are asking someones opinion, first recognise that you asked that person for a reason; you thought that they would know the answer. second, you get one "yeah but" if the so called expert can still give you hard evidence that the answer they have given is rooted in fact and reality, accept it. after all, if it was easy, you would not have had to ask around. so for now, I am putting a moratorium on "yeah but" one per customer!