always and never

I met with my minister before moving to eganville and retiring to discuss my future plans. since I was considering a spiritual counseling degree, it seemed logical to discuss it with my minister. she asked me about the plans and my history with religion and my spirituality, to which I could humerously answer that "I was not always on speaking terms with God."
in the course of our conversation about my plans came the inevitable and most frequent asked questions "how did you know and long did you know connor had cerebral palsy?"
the answer is at once both simple and complicated : I always knew, although the official diagnosis took a week of testing at Hospital for Sick children, when Connor was 7 months old. Further testing at 15months added to the mix.. but I also never knew; or at least, never wanted to know.
the diagnosis is simple, test for everything, and elimate all other possible causes of spasticity, if everything else is negative, what you are left with is Cerebral palsy--translated, meaning brain damage.
I really didnt need a pediatrician to confirm that diagnosis for me; I had always know. Always, probably, long before I ever had children. When I was a young nurse working in Edmonton, on a busy pediatric unit, we cared for meany infants and children with CP. all of their symptomes and characteristics were similar and none of them were pleasant.
I was quite clear and empahtic with the prayers I sent heavenward "Please God, anything but a child with CP." I had been well indcotrinated in their care in the 2 years I spent in edmondton and I had no intrest in renewing my aquaintance with caring for a child with CP, let alone raising one.
so when my perfect 7lb 6 oz perfect baby boy made his dramatic enterance into the world, I NEVER gave it a second thought that he was more than he seemed at that moment.
When my husband commented how "stiff" Connor was in the bath tub or warm water, I dismissed any fears and never gave it a second thought. whe Connor did not sit, roll, crawl, reach or do anything that his brother had done by the milestones, I placated my fear by reassuring myself and max that it was because Jarrett was so busy that Connor never needed to do anything. When my family, friends, and co-workers noted and brought forth COnnor's physical shortcomings and questioned our parenting as to unconcerned, I lashed out angrily, even accusing my mother of wanting somehting to be wrong with him so she would have something more to worry about and have people pay attention to her for. (to her dying day she did not forgive me for that ) but I never thought that anything was wrong.
but deep down inside, I always knew.
I asked our doctor about it, who asked a pediatrician, who admitted us to sick kids.  I should have known then. I should have known when our pediatrician took me out to breakfast and offered to pay! yet, I was still surprised. but  in a deep dark cavern of conciousness, the seed of doubt had always been there.
snipets quotes of novels about children who had cerebral palsy haunted me, even though I had read them in adolecence. Observations of other parents whose children I had nursed washed through my rain leaving thier imprint in my memory, and feeding my nagging fear that the thing I had begged God not to include in my life was going to manifest itself in my perfect second born son.
it was that fear that made me beilieve that it could NEVER happen. but in my brain, the sensible part of my brain, I told myself that it had already happened and there was nothing I could change about it.
so, although I  raled against God (and sometimes still do), I also knew that the  reality of Connor's diagnosis would alsways be with me and I would never be able to do anything about it.
25 years later, it can be difficult to remember all these details and even more difficult to make any sense of it or justify my thoughts, especially looking at what Connor has accomplished with, because of and in spite of his disability. I often wonder if he would have been so driven, had he been born able bodied. the fear of having a child with CP was always mine--not Max's nor Connor's.
where do these larger than life "biggest fears" come from???
do we have some prior insight that tells us what we may have to face? as if to say it really wont be that bad. I like to think so and when new friends or co-workers ask me "when did you find out Connor had CP? When did you know?"
My answer is never and always.