What about the kids???

The following is another essay that I composed for an English class  I took in 2006. I am sure that this view is as unpopular today as it was then. My sister in law asked me, when I was writing this, how could these statistics be right, yet not be well known. My response then is the same as it is now too: would you want to tell 50% of the population that their so-called no fault divorces, had these kind of consequences? I have seen nothing in the last 8 years to dissuade me from the stance I took in this essay. in fact, I am more convinced than ever that the propensity toward disposable marriage, is the number one threat to our society and our children's mental and physical well being today. Its damage is visible to me everyday in my workplace with either my clients or my co-workers. You may be asking yourself, "why would she care; her marriage is intact" well partly, because I fought so hard to keep my marriage intact, I know how easy the divorce out seemed. the pressures on the marriage of parents with a child with special needs are indescribable! there is a 70-75% divorce rate amongst our population and we saw it with our own eyes. few of the marriages of couples we began our journey with remain intact. the carnage brought about by the dissolution of those marriages is devastating. Imagine, if you will, trying to arrange custody, support and visitation with the added stressor of a wheelchair, commode and even an ventilator. one couple I knew, divorced but stayed in the same house because neither of them could care for the child alone.  How is that better than just being married????
If you disagree, please keep an open mind (or stop reading now!) I know that being in a marriage is difficult and that ending that discomfort often seems like an easy way out. Additionally, i have frequently added the disclaimer that someone (man or woman) should never stay in a physically abusive relationship. however, how many of our marriages end today from neglect, misunderstanding and starvation, and how many of them have small children who's only desire is to be with their parents? This was a research essay, so unlike other blogs I have written, any statistics shown were well documented and researched.

What about the Kids?
 A great hoax is being perpetrated on our society. the hoax is that despite the vast amount of evidence to the contrary, children of  divorce are better off than children living in a home with unhappy parents.The myth that children have little, or no ill effects from the breakdown of their family, is touted vehemently by parents with culpable consciences. However, the swindle has little or no basis in fact. No matter how much we want to believe it, children of divorce are not better off than their intact marriage counterparts.
The need for this deception began in the 1960's. At that time, the divorce rate was 2.6%. With the enactment of "no-fault" divorce, increased financial independence for women, decreased religious influence and a greater social acceptance of divorce, the rate has climbed to an all time high of 40-50%. with this number of broken homes, there is even more need for parents to believe that their children will be better off after the divorce. Unfortunately, this conviciton is simply not true.
Studies that began in the 1950's, demonstrated that children of divorce fared better than children of conflicted but intact marriages. As time went on, researchers realised that this conclusion was flawed. the results of a long range study, in 1989, indicated that the negative impact of divorce was far greater than anyone had ever thought possible. By this time, several investigators argued, "divorce was a major trauma that affected children, often very negatively and sometimes for the rest of their lives.
Divorce is one of the greatest obstacles facing children today. Compared to children who's marriages are intact, they have higher incidences of sexually acting out, substance abuse, conduct disorders, problems with school and delinquent behaviours. Children of divorce carry with them the pain of divorce for many years and often into adulthood. Children of divorce are more likely to marry early and divorce than children from intact families. They are more likely to have children out of wedlock and to use drugs. Children of post-divorce families have learning difficulties, suffer more problems with their peers and act out more against their parents and teachers than children from intact families. Kids from divorce may even show depressive symptoms such as, anxiety, anger, acting out, falling school grades, a drop in self-esteem and a loss of self-confidence.
Yet, with all this overwhelming evidence, couples are disposing of marriages and families at an alarming rate. they spout the rhetoric that "children must be happier now that their parents are happier." It must be better for the child to be raised by divorced parents, who are now more content than in an unhappy home. As much as we would like to believe that this is true, it just is not so. Most adults who feel trapped in an unhappy marriage would be surprised to find that their children are relatively content. The kids do not care if mommy and daddy sleep together as long as they are together. Children view their parents as a single entity and as such are confused by the tearing apart of their family.
Consider that 80% of marriage break ups occur by the ninth year of marriage. In view of this, the majority of children suffering through divorce have not reached an age where they can intellectually comprehend the reasons for their parents breaking up the family. Splitting a family, to solve family problems, makes no sense to the children. Children do not think of divorce as a remedy; it is the root cause of the trouble, not the answer. Even with older children, who can intellectually understand the reasons for separation, there may be a sense of personal rejection.
few partners plan their divorce. Most divorces are the result of conflict or crisis and there is rarely calm or thought our preparation as to how the couple with interact with each other in a post-divorce relationship. 25% of divorce couples remain intensely conflicted after their separation. these so-called "divorces from hell" are the ones that cause the most damage to the children. Research shows that it is not the divorce in these cases, but the fighting afterwards that is the most troublesome to the children. the feeling of being caught in the middle between the two most important people in your life is a heavy burden for a child and causes the greatest stress for the youngster. The degree to which the children are exposed to this conflict after the divorce will have substantial effect on the child's emotional well being. Indeed, this exposure to conflict, is the single most damaging consequence of divorce.
the effects of divorce on children are so severe that research has revealed that children that lose a parent through death show a better adjustment than that of a child of divorce. When a child loses a parent through death, they are able to grieve openly with the support of the surviving parent. They can speak candidly of the departed parent and cherish their memory. When speaking of the other parent there are no guilty feelings put upon them, only compassion. These children are sad, but not conflicted. Conversely, enduring the anger that parents feel toward each other in a divorce can go on for years. In one study, one third of the couples were fighting at the same intensity 10 years after the initial separation. This perpetual anger toward the other parent, makes it impossible for the child to share their feelings and receive the support they require from their caregivers.
The ease of ending a marriage has certainly had its merits in the adult world. No longer can women be held hostage in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. The simplicity of ending a marriage has also led to the highest divorce rate ever. No longer to people seem willing to work out their problems or stay together for the kids or as Dr. Mcgraw stated "earn your way out." the myth that children always

 benefit from a divorce, where the parents are happier, continues to exert a subtle and seductive influence on how we think about divorce and how we react to it. The "me" generation, has created absolution for their conscience by continuing to expound the swindle: that children of divorce are better off. Perhaps the parents are better off in the dissolution of a marriage, but what about the kids?